he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
