It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Everyone says I win the strip club
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
