he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
