It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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