My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
