You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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