please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
