I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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