so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
