But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
