Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
