Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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