if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
