we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
