Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize