as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
