i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
