i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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