first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
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