bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
