The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
