Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You ruined the universe
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
