you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize