his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
