and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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