when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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