hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I won't apologize to a one balled man
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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