I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
