She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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