You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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