you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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