he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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