I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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