zippers are such a cool invention
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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