do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We just shotgunned beers for America
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
