I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
