I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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