Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
