Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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