My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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