I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
