I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
