I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
