So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
