I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Randomize
