I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
