Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
