if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
