I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
