Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
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