It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
