I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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