I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
