Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
