I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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