my room smells like sperm. sweet.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
