just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
someone owes me an orgasm
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
