so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
