I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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